Regrets

pexels-photo-278312.jpegI have many regrets.  I know we are not supposed to have regrets but I cannot help it.  I have many.  Many times a road I thought I was supposed to go down would be blocked by so many distractions and some of those distractions would completely get me off the path I wanted to be on and it might be years before I was able to find that path again – only to be distracted again and the pattern continues even to this day.

Should I just say, “Well, that’s just me” and not try to change me.  I don’t like me.  I have quite a few friends who do like me but many do not like me at all.  I can be “out there” in conversations sometimes.  I feel sorry for the people I interview for my articles in town because they are subjected to my transitory thoughts that are then said out loud in the midst of my asking them questions and them answering them and offering more information.  I am grateful to all of those interviewees who have had to sit through me interviewing them.

Here are a few regrets that I am not supposed to have but I do anyway.

#1 Regret:  Although in many ways I was a good mother and my son always knew I loved him so much, I regret that I was only 18 when he was born and I was still just a child really.  My son had to suffer me growing up right along him as he grew up and he had to deal with my ADHD and depression.  So I so wish I could go back and do more things right.

#2 Regret: I so regret not continuing on to grad school after I finally graduated from the University of Memphis in 1994.  I had good references from professors and could have gone on to grad school pretty easily but I did not.  I regret this so so so much because I thrived really in academia.  I asked a friend of mine a few years ago who had known me for over 25 years if in all my experiences which one does she feel I was happiest in and she said hands down when you were at the university.

#3 Regret: A friend of mine at Fedex was a Cambodian-American having escaped Cambodia when she was around 5 years old.  They did the whole walking in water up to the waists to escape.  When Pol Pot died in 1998 many Cambodians went back to their homeland either to visit or live.   My friend eventually decided to marry another Cambodian and they were going to go back to Cambodia to actually have the wedding ceremony.  She asked me to go to document it.  What an amazing documentary that would have been: A Cambodian couple return to Cambodia after the death of Pol Pot.  Can you imagine?  I turned her down I think because I was dating some guy and didn’t want to leave him back in America alone for any length of time – stupid stupid stupid reason.

#4 Regret:  I won’t name names but I should never have married one of my 3 husbands.  Life with him was an extreme roller coaster … very high highs and very low lows and not much in between and a high could turn into a low very quickly and vice versa.  I won’t go into any more detail so I won’t give away which one it was but a few years are lost to that marriage and quite a few friends were lost, as well.   (Could you hear me sigh?)

 

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