I think I may have accidentally gotten rid of all previous posts but that’s okay. I was thinking of getting rid of them anyway. They were just pure evidence of my inconsistency problem. I think I am going to post regularly and then months go by with NO posts. And, once again, I come here and lament about how inconsistent I am. It reminds me of the time long ago that I decided to throw away ALL of my journals. I would look back at journals and what I found was I had basically the same problems and had not grown much at all. So, I threw them all out. They were only evidence of my failures really. I am soon to be 62 years old and I am no where near the woman I always thought I was supposed to be – the woman I saw in my mind’s eye and my authentic self. Even up to a few days ago, I thought I could become that woman.
Now? I am trying to come to terms with the possible fact that I more than likely will never become that woman. Maybe what I should have done is just write about her. Create the character of her. But then again, that is my other problem. Writing. One more thing that I thought I was – a writer – that I never proved that I was because I never worked on even a somewhat daily basis on projects I began. Okay, sure, now I write articles for our local little town newspaper so, technically, I can claim “writer” status. hmph. And, yet, my screenplay has languished for years now – unfinished. I have several more screenplay ideas languishing in my mind – never, so far, to be seen on a white piece of paper (or white screen these days). There is also that “coffee table book” idea I have had in my head for years. I am ALL TALK and RARE ACTION. Maybe that is just the person I am. Should I accept her? Probably. Will I ever accept her? Probably not. I will probably continue to berate her for never making anything come to fruition.
I would like for this “blog” (oh how I really dislike that word for some reason) to be honest and frank about the person I am and also, hopefully, include some steps forward to being a better person. That is my real goal – to be a better person. If it ends up including finishing projects, then great. But the main goal is to become a better person.